Saturday, July 21, 2007

She hates that!

You think you have the moves? Well, hotshot, we'll bet at least half the things you're doing in the bedroom really do drive her crazy--and not in a good way. We sent the MF Sex Squad to the streets of New York to poll 1,000 women. Their mission: to find out the ladies' biggest pet peeves under the sheets. Here are the top 10 responses.

she hates it when …

1. You only perform fast, jackhammer-type sex.

Why: "It feels more like you are trying to puncture a lung than give me an orgasm," says Liz, 21. "That just makes me numb--varying your rhythm keeps it interesting"

2. You stick your tongue inside her ear.

Why: "It's like getting hit on the side of the head with a big wave," says Ashley, 19. "Or a large, wet jellyfish."

3. You think just inserting your fingers into her vagina is enough to get her off.

Why: Penetration alone won't do. "You can't just go in and feel your way around," says Jen, 27. "You've got to have a plan of action."

4. You vigorously tweak her nipples.

Why: Pinching with varying degrees of pressure depending on her cues? Good. Sadistic, 180-degree turns? Not so much. "You think it feels good?" challenges Deanna, 29. "Let me do it to you and see how you feel about it."

5. You lick her belly button.

Why: "It stays wet in there a long time and ends up feeling sticky," says Julie, 23. You want to use your tongue? Head south.

6. You talk dirty to her--in a derogatory way.

Why: Some girls get off on it--but not all. "Being called a dirty whore doesn't turn me on," says Katie, 32. "It just pisses me off."

7. You hit any part of her body with your erect penis.

Why: "It just makes me want to slap it back," says Trina, 20.

8. You switch it up too much during oral sex.

Why: "Variety is good," says Eva, 30. "But once you've hit the spot and I'm enjoying myself, stay with it. I don't want you to move on to something new."

9. You excitedly suggest she try something you've seen in a porn film--because, after all, the girl was having so much fun.

Why: "She gets paid to do that," says April, 24. "We don't."

10. You put your hand on the back of her head when she's giving you oral sex.

Why: "That is way too controlling," says Karen, 26. "And it makes it seem like we're only there to please you and do your bidding."

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Friday, May 11, 2007

Hot and Cold Sex

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August."

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