Scouse Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one.
The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'

‘Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Leicester, parts of Wiltshire, and anywhere in Wales!

Hot and Cold Sex

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August."

Best Break - Off letter

A soldier stationed in Afghanistan recently received a letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us.

I'm sorry.

Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky....... .......

E-MAIL RESOLUTIONS FOR THE NEW YEAR

I will try to figure out why I really need 9 e-mail addresses.
I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband).
I resolve to work with neglected children—my own.
I will answer my snail-mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.
I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
I will resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily…well once a week…okay, monthly then…or maybe.
I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher.
When I hear “Where do you want to today?” I will not reply “MS Tech Support.”
When I hear a funny joke I will not reply,”LOL…LOL!”
I will read the manual…just as soon as I can find it.
I will think of a password other than “password.”
I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning…4:30 is much more practical.
I resolve…I resolve to…I resolve to, uh,…I resolve to, uh, get my, ER…I resolve to, uh, get my, ER, off-line work done, too!
I will stop circulating the “Good Times Virus” and “Join the Crew” e-mail.
I will read all of the mail from all the lists I have subscribed to.
I will try the e-mail version of the Mrs. Fields cookie recipe.
I will not “throw” another snowball via e-mail; at least not ‘til next year.

I will remember to protect my friends e-mail addresses by putting their addresses in the Bcc:field when I am doing a mass e-mail.
I will keep my e-mail messages neat by copy and pasting into a new message instead of forwarding one that has to be opened 10x to read!